


Bringing Kathryn Home

by LeftyVoyager



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-09
Packaged: 2018-04-13 22:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 18,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4539360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeftyVoyager/pseuds/LeftyVoyager
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Endgame.  Janeway struggles to reintegrate with her family while also dealing with the pressures of Voyager's debriefings and her feelings about Chakotay and Seven.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction - Seven's Concerns

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Relationship Status: It's Complicated](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3623241) by [LeftyVoyager](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeftyVoyager/pseuds/LeftyVoyager). 



> This story ended up longer than usual, so I decided to break it into chapters. What was meant to be a companion to a brief debriefing story turned into more than I thought. This is a departure from my usual - I hope that readers will like it.

Introduction - Seven's Concerns

Three weeks after Voyager's return...

"Seven?" asked Chakotay with a concerned expression on his face.  He had come "home" to find her engrossed in a padd.  Home these days was Starfleet housing in San Fransico that the command team and many crew members were required to stay in during the debriefing process.  Even though Seven and Chakotay had been assigned separate apartments, she spent much time at his place.

"Captain Janeway is damaged," concluded Seven, showing him the padd.  It was the first page of a tabloid and showed an image of Janeway with a single tear running down her face.  The headline was "Torrid Love Affair Brings Down Delta Quadrant Captain."  Chakotay cringed - tabloid or not, Kathryn would definitely not like to see that.

"You can't believe what you see in these things, Seven.  They make a profit and get as much attention as possible by twisting and distorting the truth."

"The holo image is genuine," stated Seven matter of factly.  "It was taken two days ago during one of Captain Janeway's debriefing sessions."

"How could you know that for sure?" asked Chakotay.  

Seven glared at him intently.  "You are feigning disinterest.  Regardless, I know it is a recent and relevant image.  It shows none of the signs of being altered in any way.  You do not wish to speak of Captain Janeway in my presence," stated the former Borg with a raised eyebrow.

He shrugged.  "This questioning by Starfleet is emotional for all of us.  They're going to make her rehash every decision she made out there.  She'll be fine."  Chakotay fought hard not to look annoyed.  He had also been having a rough time during his sessions.  The last thing he needed was for his girlfriend to be more concerned about his former boss than him.  "You know, some support might be nice."

"Support?" asked Seven wondering what in the Alpha Quadrant he could be talking about.

"You know - take my side.  I have to endure many questions as well, you know," he explained.

"Acknowledged.  But I do not have any holo images of you with which to judge your degree of degradation."

Chakotay cracked a smile at this.  "You can always find out how I am through conversation.  We're a couple now.  I can see you're worried about Kathryn.  We'll try to set up a visit with her."  He walked over to where Seven was standing with the padd and gave her a peck on the cheek.

"I don't understand 'visiting.'  Whenever I wanted to talk to Captain Janeway before, all I had to do was ring her chime.  Or command her to come to Astrometrics.  Now, this is perceived as an imposition," stated Seven.

Chakotay took Seven's hand.  "Things are different now that we're home, but we'll get used to it in time."

Seven allowed the contact, but replied, "I do not require comforting."


	2. Chapter One - Kathryn's Weekend

Chapter One - Kathryn's Weekend

Kathryn Janeway sighed as the transporter rematerialized her at the station nearest her apartment.  It was finally the end of the week, and she would have a full weekend off before having to report for more debriefing sessions on Monday.  Her counselor was accusing her of avoiding her family, so she had commed her mom and arranged to stay in Indiana for the weekend.  Since their arrival home a few weeks ago, her mom had been to visit her several times, but she was the only family member the captain had seen in person.  She wasn't sure how she felt about it, yet.  Her mom had invited Phoebe and her family over and also Mark and his wife.  Gretchen thought surrounding her with family was the best idea, but Kathryn was hesitant.  The debriefings were dredging up her emotions and she was feeling off balance.  It was one thing to be strong against stodgy admirals.  Another thing all together to face your pushy younger sister, she thought.  But idle speculation would only make her late, so, she headed to her apartment to pack her things.

As she entered her apartment, she realized her comm station was ringing.  She rushed to answer it. "Janeway here."

Seven appeared on the screen.  "Captain Janeway.  The commander and I require a visit with you.  You will comply."

Janeway smiled.  She sometimes found herself missing the young Borg's directness, especially now that she was spending so much time around people who aren't from Voyager.  She had spent so much time learning every step of her crew that she felt at a loss on how to communicate with anyone else.  "I'm afraid not, Seven.  I'm going to Indiana for the weekend to see my family.  Perhaps during the week we can get together."

"You always decline our invitations," Seven countered.

Janeway sighed.  This time it was a real excuse, but she really was avoiding them.  Her counselor had noted that as well.  It was just that...  She had so much to say to each of them - individually.  As a couple, she didn't know where to begin.  "I apologize, Seven.  We will get together soon.  I promise.  I haven't seen my family, yet and I need to get out there."

"Understood," said Seven.  "I will leave you to your weekend.  Seven out."

Mildly concerned about the habit she was making out of sighing, Janeway began to change into casual clothes and pack her things for the weekend.

***

Forty-five minutes later, Kathryn found herself on her mother's doorstep.  "This is it.  I'm home," she whispered.  She gathered her wits and knocked on the door.

Gretchen answered so quickly that Kathryn suspected she was waiting by the door.  "Come in, Katie!  Everyone will be arriving soon."

Kathryn walked with her bag and a determination to act happy.  Surely once the initial awkwardness is dispelled, she really will be happy to see her family, she thought.  "Can I help with anything, Mom?"

"You'll do no such thing.  Bring your things to your room," ordered Gretchen, "You do remember where it is, right?"

Kathryn smiled.  "Of course, Mom."  What she didn't say was that she had already noticed countless ways in which the house had changed in the last seven years.  Couldn't one thing remain constant?  She also had never mentioned to her mom the shock at seeing how she had aged.  But then, surely, her mom must have noticed that she had aged as well.  Seven years.  Both longer and shorter than one would think.  After taking her inventory of the rest of the house, she was stalling in her room, which of course became a guest room many years ago..  She started hanging up her clothes in the closet.  Soon, she heard a sound from the hallway.

"You seem nervous, Kathryn," said Gretchen from the door.  "It will be easier after today."

"I know, Mom.  But right now, I feel more comfortable making first contact with aliens."

"I will warn you - Stephanie insisted that she come dressed in her favorite costume.  She's adorable," boasted Gretchen.

"She's the older one?" asked Janeway.

"Yes - she's five.  Kimmy is two.  You're going to love your nieces," insisted the older Janeway. 

As if on cue, a small voice with a commanding attitude called out, "Grandma, please report to the living room!"

Kathryn raised her eyebrow and stared at Gretchen.  "Come now, Kathryn.  There's a new captain to greet."  

They descended the stairs down to the first floor where Kathryn's niece was waiting.  Gretchen watched Kathryn as she took in the sight.  The girl was wearing a replica of the uniforms worn on Voyager, complete with command red, a commbadge and captain's pips.  With her long auburn hair tied neatly into a bun, she looked like a miniature version of Kathryn.

"I am Captain Janeway of the federation Starship Voyager," said the girl proudly.

"Pleased to meet you.  I'm your Aunt Kathryn.  Permission to speak freely?" asked Kathryn.  By this time, Phoebe and her husband, Chris had entered with their younger daughter, Kimmy, and they were watching the exchange.

"Granted!" exclaimed the child, thrilled that her hero was playing along.

"Thank you.  How about a hug?" asked Kathryn, squatting to Stephanie's level and holding out her arms.  The little girl threw herself into Kathryn's arms, taking her aback slightly.  Kimmy, not wanting to be left out ran over to her as well and they shared a group hug.

When the three finally separated and Kathryn had wiped away a few stray tears that had fallen, she stood up and embraced Phoebe.  "They're wonderful," said Kathryn.

Phoebe smiled proudly.  "Thanks, sis.  I have a photo of you in uniform framed in my bedroom.  Ever since Stephanie first saw it, she's wanted to be Captain Janeway when she grows up.  I'm worried we've already lost her to Starfleet."

"It's a worthy and rewarding profession.  I still believe in it," said Kathryn.  "It's in our blood."

Phoebe teasingly rolled her eyes.  "Kathryn, this is my husband, Chris.  He builds warp engines."

Chris pulled Kathryn into a brief hug before saying, "I know Starfleet has first dibs, but my team would love to see some slipstream schematics from Voyager.  It's great to finally meet you.  Your mom and your sister talk about you constantly.  All good things, of course."

"I'm glad to finally meet you as well.  It really is good to come home and find so many additions to the family," said Kathryn.  While she was truly happy for her sister, she still felt off her game and emotionally turbulent.  She made a mental note to discuss this with her counselor.

The doorbell rang, and Gretchen walked over to answer it, letting Mark and Carla in.  Kathryn's stomach did a flip-flop, which surprised her.  She had come to terms with Mark's letter years ago, so she had thought.

"Hobbes," she said, calling him by his childhood nickname.  She was working hard to stay in control.  She turned to Carla to greet her.  As she did, an image of Seven came to her mind.  As she looked back at Mark, she saw a flashback of his letter.  Except instead of being signed by Mark, it had Chakotay's name.  She felt a sudden urge to escape.  "Excuse me," Kathryn said suddenly, rushing off into the kitchen.

Gretchen quickly moved to follow.  "You are all to stay right here," she demanded as she went after her daughter.

Carla was angry.  "Now what was that all about?"

"It's okay, Carla.  She's overwhelmed," reassured Mark.

"You didn't see the way she looked at me!" argued Carla.

"What's wrong with Aunt Kathryn?" asked Stephanie.

"I don't think she meant it," said Mark.

"We did lay it on pretty thick with the nieces right before you got here," admitted Phoebe.  "Aunt Kathryn's fine, honey, don't worry."

But suddenly, a very uncaptainlike wail was heard from the kitchen followed by loud, uncontrollable sobbing.  The people in the living room stood in stunned silence.

"She's never been like this before," commented Phoebe.

***

"I'm okay, Mom - I just need a minute," gasped Kathryn.  She was having some trouble breathing and wondered if she was having a panic attack.

"Tell me what's going on," said Gretchen.

"I've been on an emotional roller coaster.  I never got to be a part of my sister's wedding.  I have two nieces I don't know, I have no history of my sister as a wife and mother, and I saw Mark and..." she trailed off.

"What about Mark?" asked Gretchen.

"I saw Mark and thought about Ch-."  Suddenly, all of Kathryn's control broke, and she wailed loudly.  Gretchen pulled her into a hug as Kathryn sobbed, overcome.

Kathryn figured her counselor would see this day as a huge success.  It was the first day she saw her family in person.  The first day she met Carla.  The first day she acknowledged how she felt about all the things she missed while she was in the Delta Quadrant.  The first day she thought about all her crew who didn't come home because they made the ultimate sacrifice and the first day she thought about how Chakotay and Seven made her feel.  That it was a pain as deep as what she felt when she received Mark's letter.  Unfortunately, it also came on a day when she had wanted to put a strong front on for her family.

She cried until she was physically exhausted.  "I'm so sorry, Mom."

"Katie, we're your family - not your crew.  You don't have to hold it all in."

"I haven't cried like that in at least seven years," said Kathryn.

Gretchen stroked her hair soothingly.  "Let's get you to bed.  Go up the back staircase.  I'll say goodnight for you."

"Thanks, Mom.  I'm feeling pretty embarrassed."

Gretchen released her from the embrace and squeezed her hand.  "Let anyone else who rescued a starship from the Delta Quadrant cast the first stone."

***

Phoebe was surprised at how easy it was to get contact information for Voyager's former Borg drone.  She was determined to get to the bottom of her sister's tenuous mental state and figured the best place to start would be a crew member who did not have a rank.  Starfleet rules would probably prevent most of the others from giving her the time of day.  "Seven of Nine Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatix Zero One" had agreed to meet with her for lunch in a cafe in San Francisco and to come alone.  It was almost too easy.

When Seven entered the cafe, she spotted Phoebe O'Donnell almost immediately.  She didn't look that similar to the captain by the looks of her curly hair and gray eyes, but she had a look of confidence and bravado that mirrored her sister's command presence.  Phoebe immediately spotted Seven as well.  Borg implants and a skintight outfit make it hard to blend in.

"Hello, Phoebe O'Donnell.  I am Seven of Nine.  You may call me Seven."  The former drone approached Phoebe's table and extended her hand in the standard human greeting.

"And you may call me Phoebe," said the civilian, shaking Seven's hand.  "Have a seat."

Seven complied, but was still uncomfortable with the human custom to sit so much.  She missed the spacious work stations in the astrometrics lab.  "Why have you contacted me?"

"I want to know what my sister went through out there," said Phoebe.  "She's not herself."

Seven raised an eyebrow.  "Then I am correct in my hypothesis that she is damaged?"

Phoebe sighed, "I'm no counselor, but she had an epic meltdown last night.  And that is NOT like Kathryn at all."

"I concur," agreed Seven.  "How shall we proceed?"

"Who was Kathryn close with on the ship?  Who are her friends?" asked Phoebe.

"Commander Chakotay and she are best friends.  She also was very close with Commander Tuvok.  She would also socialize with Lieutenant B'Elanna Torres and Ensign Tom Paris.  And she spent a lot of time with me.  She freed me from the collective.  Taught me how to be a human," answered Seven.

"Captain By the Book Starfleet taught you how to be human?" asked Phoebe, amazed.

Seven looked a little wistful.  "Her advice was effective.  We were close.  But I've hardly spoken to her since we got to Earth."

Phoebe contemplated this.  "That does sound unusual.  She would probably consider you to be unfinished business.  She'd want to make sure you were acclimating to life on Earth."

"She has turned down all of my requests for a visit," added Seven.  "I miss her."

The waitress came and took their lunch order.

Phoebe mulled the information over in her mind.  She pulled a padd out of her purse and called up some public information on Voyager's crew.  "And Chief Sexy Tattoo Hot Pants is her best friend?"

Seven decided to ignore the inappropriate comment.  "She and Commander Chakotay spent much time together.  It was necessary for the efficient operation of the ship."

"Uhm, yeah - efficient," Phoebe commented.

Seven felt a flush come to her face.  She was not sure why.  "I believe they became friends when they were stranded on a class M planet for two months together before Voyager returned and rescued them.  It was before my time."

"Kathryn was alone planetside with Chief Sexy Tattoo Hot Pants for two months?" asked Phoebe incredulously.

"I would prefer that you don't call him that," said Seven defensively.

"Why?  I would think he must be quite a looker if he's anything like these holo images.  Every  woman on the ship must have picked up on that."

"He is my boyfriend," said Seven.

Phoebe leveled a death glare worthy of her sister on Seven.  "Excuse me?  Just what kind of a bitch are you, anyway?"

"I do not understand your reaction," said Seven.  "My only objective is to help Captain Janeway.  What does that have to do with dating Commander Chakotay?"

"Let me explain something else about humanity, Seven of Nine.  One does not serve next to a mystical Indian cutie like Chakotay and become his 'best friend' for one's health.  And one certainly does not become stranded with such a man for two months in which nothing happens.  Unless, one is a starship captain so married to Starfleet that she holds him at arm's length to maintain some crap about the 'command relationship,'" fumed Phoebe.

Seven narrowed her eyes at Phoebe.  "You believe Captain Janeway is romantically attracted to Commander Chakotay?"

"And I'd be willing to bet it was mutual.  Your relationship exists because she turned him down one too many times," explained Phoebe.

"It's not possible.  They both have had several romantic liaisons with other people.  Chakotay was available when I seeked his attention."

Phoebe shook her head.  "You have no idea what you're playing with.  You have effectively stolen your surrogate mother's boyfriend."

Seven refused to believe it.  "Impossible.  If I was incorrect in judging Chakotay's relationship status, she would have confronted me," insisted the former drone.

"Doesn't her unwillingness to talk to you at all raise any red flags?" asked Phoebe.

As the waitress set a plate with sandwiches down on the table, things began to sink in.  "It might explain her recent behavior."

"Exactly," said Phoebe.  She knew that her sister's problem would not be solely caused by a relationship with a man, but this surely must be a contributing factor.  Another mystery solved by five minutes with Phoebe.

***

Janeway decided when she woke the next morning that she should comm her counselor.  "Computer, Counselor Hyatt, Starfleet Medical."

"0800 on a Saturday morning and you're voluntarily comming me?" asked the counselor.

"You're the one who said anytime, anywhere," answered Janeway.

Counselor Susan Hyatt studied her patient carefully through the screen.  "How is your family, Kathryn?"

"I'm sure they were fine until they saw me.  I finally had the breakdown you've been warning me about.  They must all be very worried about me now," said the captain.

"I take no pleasure in that, but you have to understand that this is a big milestone for you.  You have been hiding your pain to make other people think you are strong.  Breaking this pattern, even for one night is a good thing," explained the counselor.

"That's why I commed you.  If that was success, it was pretty spectacular."

Hyatt laughed.  "Tell me exactly what happened."

Janeway explained how she met her nieces and brother-in-law and also how she reacted to Mark and Carla.  Then she described how she broke down crying in her mother's arms.  "I do feel better now that it's over.  The anticipation of everything was making me insane.  But I also feel foolish, especially for how I ran off on Mark and Carla.  I can't imagine what they must be thinking, though I'm sure Mom explained it for me."

"Why did you run?" asked Hyatt.

"I couldn't breathe.  I thought I was having a panic attack.  I had to escape.  I would have run right out the back door if I thought I could get away with it.  And then when the dam broke, all kinds of things were going through my head about things that happened in the Delta Quadrant.  All the things I worked hard to avoid thinking about too much," admitted Janeway.

"Why do you think Mark and Carla triggered such a strong reaction?" asked Hyatt.

"I don't think it was really them.  I've associated them with something else.  When I saw them and realized the connection, I was quite shocked."

"Go on," said the counselor.

"You said I've been avoiding Chakotay and Seven.  I see now that's true.  I think there's a piece of my mind that thinks they've betrayed me, much like Mark left me with that letter all those years ago.  But I know it's not true.  Chakotay was and is free to date Seven.  I have no hold on him."

"Do you think you're in love with him?"

"No...  Yes...  I don't know," admitted Janeway.

"You may have to accept this relationship.  You'll have to mourn the loss of what might have been and move on," advised Hyatt.

"I see.  That will be very hard for me.  But I love them both and want to be happy for them."

Counselor Hyatt gave Janeway another hard look.  "And how do you feel about Phoebe?"

"To be honest, I feel betrayed by her, too.  She got married without me.  I should have been her maid of honor.  I should have thrown her bridal shower, her bachelorette party.  It's irrational, but I wish she waited for me to come home first.  And then on top of that, she had two little girls that I just met yesterday," fumed Janeway.

Hyatt nodded.  "That's very good, Kathryn.  When you're ready, I think you should tell your sister how you feel."

Kathryn frowned.  "But it's not her fault.  It wouldn't have been reasonable for her to put her life on hold until I got home.  It will only upset her."

"You're going to learn to forgive her, but to do that, you have to have an open conversation with her about your feelings.  You'll probably find that she is holding anger at you for not being there for her during some of the most important times in her adult life."

Janeway raised her hand to her forehead.  "I never thought of it that way.  Counselor, I hope you realize you're killing me."

"All in a day's work.  You're doing well, Kathryn," said Hyatt.

"I don't feel well," complained Kathryn.  I feel drained, and I have a headache."

"You look a little pale, too.  I'll let you rest.  Maybe later you can try again with your family," said Hyatt.

"Agreed.  I'd like to at least talk to Phoebe before I depart tomorrow."

"All right.  Make that your goal, then.  See you in my office on Monday?"

Janeway paused while she thought of her calendar, "Yes - I believe the appointment is already scheduled."

As Kathryn was closing out the call with Hyatt, Gretchen was hovering in the hallway.  "Would you like some coffee, dear?"

"What kind of question is that?  I'd love some.  Come on in, Mom," said Kathryn.

"How are you?  Are those awful Starfleet shrinks bothering you?" asked Gretchen, entering the room with a carafe of Kathryn's favorite beverage and a coffee mug.  No cream and sugar to be found.

Kathryn chuckled, "No, Mom.  Counselor Hyatt is actually quite helpful.  I commed her.  Besides, I have to take the counseling seriously.  It could be the difference between being set out to pasture or given a new commission."  She poured herself a cup.

"A new commission?  You would leave Earth again on me?" asked Gretchen.

The captain smiled.  "Honestly, I don't know, but I'd like to at least have the option.  I suppose they could promote me to admiral." She paused for a minute to think of her future self whose sacrifice allowed them to get home.

"Your father would have been so proud of you, dear.  No matter what happens now.  Don't ever forget that."

"Never, Mom, thank you.

***

After her lunch with Seven, Phoebe returned to her mother's house only to find that Kathryn was napping.

"She's asleep?  Are you sure that's good for her?" asked Phoebe, concerned.

Gretchen patted her younger daughter's arm.  "She's all right.  She was up early today, had a chat with her counselor, and we took a long walk in the park.  She's never been good at facing her emotions."

"Understatement of the year," muttered Phoebe. 

"She was hoping you'd come by today.  She wants to talk to you.  Really talk.  About lost time.  It will be good for her," said Gretchen.

Phoebe sat down at the kitchen table and grabbed a caramel brownie.  "Mom, I don't understand why Starfleet is keeping her for so long.  They have her logs and ship records.  As far as I'm concerned, they've had her for seven years.  She needs to be home with us."

"She has a job to finish.  You know she won't be able to stop until it's done and she knows her crew is settling in to life in the Alpha Quadrant," said Gretchen.  "She's so much like your father."

"How about after that?  Will she be done or will she let them throw her back into space?" asked Phoebe.

Gretchen was thoughtful for a moment.  "We can't be sure what Katie will decide, but it's her decision, and we'll support her no matter what."

"Mom, if she starts building a relationship with my kids, she can't be in and out of their lives.  I won't stand for it."

"Phoebe, what kind of role model can she be for them if she doesn't live her life?" argued Gretchen.

The younger woman was furious.  "I fucking hate Starfleet."

"Language, Phoebe.  This is still my home."  Gretchen narrowed her eyes at her daughter.  "Starfleet was a part of Edward, and it's a part of Katie, and if you love them, you'll learn to accept it."

"All I see is a vicious cycle that continues to tear this family apart.  I already have a little girl that thinks she's a starship captain.  She'll grow up looking up to Kathryn, Kathryn will be off on some covert mission half the time, and then Stephanie will join Starfleet and something traumatic will happen to her.  Maybe they'll get assigned the same counselor."

"Ask Katie if she regrets it," said Gretchen.

"Ugh, of course she doesn't regret it.  She's either been brainwashed or she inherited some kind of crazy gene from Dad."

Gretchen shook her head.  "I'm not asking you to understand.  Only to listen and accept.  There are a lot of things that we take for granted that we can only have because people like your father and Kathryn are willing to go out there.  It's a calling."

"I know, Mom.  But Jesus, hasn't she been through enough?" asked Phoebe.

"Imagine just any ship gets tossed into the Delta Quadrant with just any captain.  Do you really think they'd make it home in just seven years?  She was meant to be there, and everything she's been through was to prepare her to save those people," said Gretchen with conviction.

Phoebe wanted to continue the dispute, but couldn't really find a strong enough argument to counter her mom's.  "I guess I just don't like to share with Starfleet."

Gretchen smiled, "There's enough Kathryn to go around, dear - just give her time."

***

Chakotay was glad to finally spend some time in his boxing simulation.  It seemed to be the only place that made sense to him these days, something that was the same from when he was on Voyager to now being home.

"Chakotay, you're slow," warned Boothby, his holographic trainer and replica of the academy groundskeeper.  His opponent had just been able to get some quick jabs in.

"You're not kidding," grunted Chakotay, feeling the sting of his errors.  He quickened his pace and avoided some hard punches.

"Atta boy!" called out the groundskeeper.  The commander turned the tables when he started to block out the distracting thoughts from his mind.  Finally, he found an opportunity for a shot and took it.

His opponent was so off guard that he was actually knocked down.  To Chakotay's surprise, he didn't get back up.  Chakotay had won!

"Nice job," said Boothby.  "Why weren't you doing that before?  Could have saved yourself a lot of trouble."

"I guess I was distracted," said Chakotay.

Boothby shook his head.  "You young guys are all the same.  Too easily distracted."

"I did just come back from deep space," said Chakotay.

"And what does that have to do with my ring?  Nothing," stated Boothby.

Chakotay nodded and started going through his warm down routine.  "I suppose you have a point," he said.  He wasn't really in the mood for a heart to heart from his holographic trainer.  "Computer, delete character Boothby."  He had enough counseling from Starfleet.  And these days, it seemed all Seven would talk about was Kathryn and how worried she was about her.  Chakotay was a little worried, too, but it was none of his business.  She was no longer his responsibility.  He wanted to get done with debriefings, then he wanted to focus on building a life with Seven.  Thinking about Kathryn was complicated.

Like the day the admiralty reprimanded him for lying about his relationship with her.  Turns out, she told the truth.  He thought for sure she would stay quiet about it, and he wanted to defend her honor or some weird shit like that.  Admiral Nechayev had a fucking field day.  When his counselor brought it up, Chakotay had refused to talk about it.

It was fine with him that she didn't want to talk to him.  It made his plan to move forward easier.  And besides, she was spending time with her family - she would be fine.

But damn, seven years of watching her and serving under her and rescuing her and sometimes loving her was a hard habit to break.

***

Kathryn awoke to the muted sounds of her mom and sister conversing in the kitchen.  It reminded her sharply of when she lost her dad and Justin because at that time, she had spent a lot of her time in bed before Phoebe snapped her out of it with a bucket of cold water.  She had always thought that her homecoming from the Delta Quadrant would be joyful.  She wasn't expecting to have to rebuild herself again as if she had just been through a devastating trauma.  A devastating supposedly once in a lifetime trauma.  She wondered  if she had done any of her crew a favor at all by getting them home or if her life's ambition had just been another way that she made their lives miserable.  Some of Chakotay's arguments were starting to make sense.  The ones about settling down and making a home where they were.  She had always refused to entertain those discussions.

"Damn that man," muttered Kathryn.  She got up, got dressed and met her family in the kitchen.

"Well, it's about time!" teased Phoebe.  "I was about to give up and go home."

"Hi, sis.  I'm so sorry about last night.  I'm a bit of a mess.  I hope I didn't scare Stephanie away from Starfleet."  Kathryn hugged Phoebe and Gretchen and took a seat and a brownie.

Phoebe smiled, "No need to apologize.  I think we were perhaps a bit intimidating.  We're just worried about you."

"I thank you.  So many things I'm working on with my counselor.  She says that we're still in the process of coming home emotionally.  It might take some time for me to be the sister you remember."

Gretchen put her hand on Kathryn's arm.  "We've done it before.  We'll do it again.  Together, this family can do anything."

"Thanks, Mom."  Kathryn fell silent for a few minutes.

"What is it, sis?" asked Phoebe.

Kathryn closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  "Phoebe.  Could you tell me about your wedding day?  I've missed so much.  I don't know how I'll ever make it up to you."

Phoebe stood up from the table and wrapped her arms around her sister.  "Just being here now is enough.  I'll call the pictures up on the terminal.  It's not your fault.  You didn't disappear on purpose."

Phoebe opened up one of the images from her wedding album on the terminal that was on the table.  It was a closeup of Phoebe in her wedding gown.

"You looked amazing," gasped Kathryn.  "What are you wearing around your neck?"

Phoebe reached into her purse and pulled out a ring on a chain.  "Mark gave it to me to wear on my wedding day.  It was the wedding ring you had picked out.  Something borrowed."  Phoebe put the ring in Kathryn's hand.  "And now finally returned."

Kathryn couldn't think of anything to say and Gretchen was a little choked up by the exchange, so Phoebe decided to move on to the next picture.


	3. Chapter Two - Separation

Chapter Two - Separation

Seven began packing her things as soon as she got back to Chakotay's apartment.  She knew she would no longer be able to stay there after her conversation with Captain Janeway's sister.  Seven felt a strange sensation.  Could it be guilt?  Yes, guilt for not realizing that her interest in Chakotay had created a love triangle where one should not exist.  She berated herself.  She would never be able to attain "perfection" if she continuously failed to perceive events the same way her human counterparts did.  She hoped the damage to the command team's relationship was not irreparable.

Seven considered for a moment her feelings.  She had chosen Chakotay because compared to all of the men on Voyager, he was a statistically superior choice.  However, now, she was not limited to only men on the ship.  She could choose a partnership with anyone.  Therefore, despite all they had shared together, Seven did not feel strongly about fighting for Chakotay.  She knew, though, that she would have to consider Chakotay's feelings.  Seven did not think Chakotay realized that a relationship with Captain Janeway was possible.  Now that they were home, new possibilities were open for him as well.

Seven knew she could never be satisfied by the marriage to Chakotay that he claimed to desire if it was to the detriment of her Voyager collective, especially it's captain.  Seven felt that she owed Janeway everything.  Phoebe had finally explained the confusion Seven was feeling.  It seemed so strange to her that after wanting to get home so badly, Janeway seemed so unhappy and broke off her contact with Seven.  Seven felt lost without Janeway's guidance, trying to navigate a relationship, meeting some of her family for the first time, and dealing with Starfleet, though Janeway did always seem to be watching like a hawk for the schedules on who would speak with Seven when and what they would talk about.  She knew that Janeway was continuing to protect her.

Chakotay walked in, coming home from his workout session and immediately noticed the state of the apartment.  "Seven?"

Seven stopped what she was doing and walked to stand practically at attention in front of Chakotay.  "Chakotay, I must leave immediately."

"But why?" asked Chakotay, unable to mask the shock in his voice.  He had literally pinned his sanity on being able to finish business with Voyager and then move on with Seven.  For her to go now would leave him stranded on uncertain terrain.

"I love you, but not in the way that you want me to.  You and I each can obtain more suitable companions," stated Seven.  She recognized she was being blunt, but could think of no way to better communicate her message.

Chakotay reached out and took her hand.  "Seven, we can make this work.  I know Voyager's homecoming has complicated everything, but we just have to work through it.  Please, give this a chance."

"I will not comply.  Our relationship is doomed to failure."  She pulled her hand away from Chakotay.

The commander took a steadying breath.  He felt like his world was coming apart at the seams and wanted to beg her to stay, but he knew that would be pointless.  For some reason, she had convinced herself the relationship was over.  "Then go," he said.

The tears began to fall after she grabbed the rest of her bags and left the apartment.  For the first time, he felt the desire to proactively reach out to his counselor.  It seemed he was to be no luckier in love in the Alpha Quadrant than he was in the Delta Quadrant.

***

Monday morning came way too quickly for Kathryn. She arrived back in San Fransico Sunday evening after spending a few hours with Mark and Carla. The couple graciously accepted her apology for Friday night after she described what she was experiencing and where she was in the counseling process. Once that was over, they had a great time together. Overall, Kathryn was quite happy that Mark had found someone like Carla. He certainly deserved the joy the marriage brought him and not the loneliness that had become part of Kathryn's life.

Kathryn reluctantly awoke to the sound of her alarm and prepared for the next debriefing session. It seemed Starfleet was unhappy with the way Kathryn had handled the Borg. While they were impressed with the ingenuity of what she had done, they deemed her actions to be far too risky an undertaking for a single starship in the Delta Quadrant. They felt she had been arrogant and over confident and should have listened more to her first officer's recommendations. They also felt that liberating Seven had been too risky. Kathryn huffed to herself as she reviewed her notes. If any of these blowhard admirals had been in her shoes, they would have never gotten Voyager home. She took a calming breath. To succeed in these sessions, she had to remain calm and say the right things, even if she believed differently. Diplomacy helped her in space and it could yet get her out of messes at home, too.

The first two hours of her session were just as trying as Kathryn was worried about. She felt exhausted from the effort to bite her tongue. No one seemed to pay any attention to the fact that her strategy worked, Seven became a respected and valuable member of the crew, and dammit, Kathryn got them home, did she not? When the meeting ended, Kathryn sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. She decided to leave the room before Admiral Paris could pull her into a conversation. There was an hour before she had to report to Counselor Hyatt, and she had heard that the maps from Voyager's astrometrics lab were finally downloaded into the planetarium located on the academy grounds. She had longed to check it out ever since.

She was surprised to find the planetarium empty when she walked in, but it had been becoming more common of late for cadets to learn astronomy while studying abroad on starships rather than studying with the simulation technology of the planetarium. She called up a sector with coordinates that were at the top of her memory and was comforted to see a star scape that was familiar to her and her crew. She could almost pretend that she was looking out the viewport in her ready room. She mulled over the events of the morning with a mental clarity she hadn't been able to muster for weeks.

Chakotay walked into the planetarium and froze in his tracks. The very woman who had been occupying a portion of his thoughts since they left Voyager together was standing in the darkness with her back to him. She was illuminated by only the simulated stars. He could almost pretend they were in her ready room. He decided he should announce his presence. "You know, so many of Voyager's crew have visited this room in the past week that they want to name a wing of the building after us," he stated.

She started when she heard his voice, but as she turned to face him, she couldn't suppress a smile. "Chakotay - what a pleasant surprise."

He took this as an invitation to join her by her side, looking out at the stars. It was a familiar pose for them. "I needed to step away before I hurt someone. I walked out of my debriefing," said Chakotay.

"You shouldn't add insubordination to your list of troubles," she scolded.

Chakotay groaned. "I think they've gotten used to my temper. They let me step out when I need to. I get so angry when they tell me how I should have handled you. They thought I should have relieved you of duty during the time you were commanding the ship from your quarters."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh, really? I'm getting pretty tired of them pitting us against each other. I hope after a few more days they start questioning us together."

"Would be nice, but I doubt it. We have so many nonverbal cues for each other, we can practically read each other's mind. They wouldn't stand a chance," laughed Chakotay.

"Good point," she said, nodding. "You know, I think this is the most natural conversation I've had with anyone in at least three weeks."

Chakotay agreed. "For me, too. For once, I don't have a knot in my stomach that feels like I just ate Neelix's spaghetti squash."

"Oh, I remember the day that got added to the menu. That one sent me to sickbay," laughed Kathryn.

"How could I forget? I was the one who found you doubled over in the ready room."

Kathryn looked up at him and placed her hand on his arm, a familiar gesture. "What made you think to check? I had meant to ask."

"Mostly a hunch, but I noticed that you were in there for a while and you were up to date on ships reports. Normally in that case, you'd prefer to be on the bridge during your shift," said Chakotay.

Kathryn smiled. "Once again you saved my life," she said.

"All in a day's work," he quipped.

They fell silent for a moment, staring out into the stars when Kathryn realized that she was still touching Chakotay and dropped her hand. "How is Seven?"

Chakotay dropped his gaze to the floor. "She left me."

"Chakotay," she gasped. "What happened?"

He sighed. "I wish I could tell you. It was all so sudden. I put everything I had into that relationship. But I don't think she's been happy since we got home. She kept talking about you. How she was worried about you and you weren't returning her calls. I didn't want to worry about you, Kathryn. But I should have realized she needed you."

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I was avoiding both of you. I haven't felt like myself since we got home."

Chakotay lifted his gaze from the floor and looked at her thoughtfully. "Was she right to be concerned?"

Kathryn turned away from him. "Maybe, but I think what we're all experiencing is normal considering that we got yanked out of the Delta Quadrant just as quickly as we got yanked in. I thought being home meant that I wouldn't need to rely on you anymore. I wanted to step aside and give you and Seven space."

He nodded. "I understand the feeling. I wanted to disengage from you. We had so much history together that I thought it would be better for Seven and me if you and I didn't spend so much time together. When she kept bringing you up, I didn't know what to do."

"I've missed you both. I wanted to answer Seven, but I couldn't. I couldn't even face my sister. The only people I was talking to were my mother and my counselor. And then I would go to work and just focus on being the captain. While those assholes poke and prod and question everything we accomplished. It makes me angry, too."

"Do you have to go back today?" Chakotay asked.

"Yeah. Counselor Hyatt first and then I'll have some time for lunch before starting up again at 1400," she answered.

He gave her a hard stare. "You're showing up for your counseling appointments AND not skipping meals? Who are you?"

"Besides sad, confused and exhausted, I'm not sure what else," she admitted.

"Nice to meet you. I'm angry and alone," said Chakotay.

"Welcome home," said Kathryn, flatly.

***

Admiral Paris tapped the console in his office. "Paris here." Gretchen Janeway appeared on the screen.

"Good afternoon, Owen."

"Gretchen, nice to hear from you. How is Indiana?" he asked pleasantly.

Her expression formed into a slight scowl. "You know why I'm calling. When does Kathryn come home? I haven't heard from her in two days."

Owen frowned. "You know I can't talk to you about that. She is still undergoing debriefing. For a mission as long as Voyager's, that can take a long time. She is doing just fine."

"You know she's suffering," argued Gretchen.

"Anyone in her position would be. It's a tough process, but it's a fair one, and counsellors are available for all involved. The admiralty is questioning all of the major decisions, but it is unlikely any charges will be filed. You know this process - Edward has been through it before."

"For a week!" exclaimed Captain Janeway's mother.

Owen sighed, "Gretchen, all I can tell is that she looks tired. Otherwise, she's doing just fine. She'll be fine. I just don't have an answer for how much longer. It will be when all the questions are asked and answered. She's endured seven years of deep space. Another few weeks of her time is all we need."

"She's my daughter. This is unacceptable after everything my family has sacrificed for Starfleet."

"If I request a recess on her behalf, she'll only have to go back later. It's best to finish this and have it behind her. Please, trust me, as a friend of Edward's. I am watching everything. And helping where I can. She is spectacular," said Owen.

"She's only one person. I don't like the strain you're keeping her under."

"Noted, Gretchen. Anything else I can do for you tonight?" asked the admiral.

She shook her head. "That's everything, Owen. Janeway out."

***

Seven paused outside of Captain Janeway's door with uncharacteristic uncertainty. On the one hand, she was showing up unannounced and uninvited, which apparently is socially unacceptable. But on the other, Janeway still was not returning Seven's calls.

Furthermore, there were several reasons Seven needed to speak with Captain Janeway. First, she needed to apologize for the whole Chakotay relationship. Then, she was hoping Janeway would be able to talk to her about ending relationships. It was unsettling, and Seven was experiencing unpleasant feelings. And then there was the tabloid factor. Another photo that Seven deemed authentic was published. In it, Janeway held her head in her hands while it appeared one of the admirals was lecturing her. It looked like she was experiencing a severe headache. Seven wanted to make sure the captain was properly functioning and not avoiding treatment, something that she did often on Voyager.

Seven decided to sound the chime. It was met with silence. "Computer, is Captain Janeway home?"

"Affirmative," answered the apartment computer.

"Captain Janeway. I know you are in there," said Seven.

"Come in," said a quiet, raspy voice. The door opened for Seven and she walked in.

"Captain?" asked Seven uncertainly. The lights were dim, and Janeway was in the process of sitting up on the couch.

She yawned and stretched and opened her eyes to see Seven hovering over her. "It's okay, Seven. I'm just a little tired lately."

"Captain, you appear more than a little tired," said Seven. "You are damaged."

Janeway shook her head. "No - this is just something that happens to me when I have too much time to think. I'll recover." Suddenly, it hit her what day it was. "Oh no - I forgot to comm my mother yesterday. She'll be worried. Excuse me for one minute, Seven." Janeway stood up and walked into the bedroom. Seven could not make out much of the muted conversation, even with her enhanced hearing, but it sounded like an apology followed by several attempts to convey that she's fine, she's not skipping meals, she's going to counseling and she's coming home again this weekend. After another minute, Janeway emerged from the bedroom and sat on the couch. She motioned for Seven to join her.

Seven awkwardly perched herself at the edge of the couch. Informality involved so much sitting. It was frustrating. "I apologize for intruding."

Janeway smiled. "Think nothing of it, Seven. You are welcome to drop by anytime. You just saved me a lot of trouble. If I had missed one more night of talking to Mom, she would have sent a rescue team."

Seven looked at her tired expression and the dark circles under her eyes with a raised eyebrow. "I'm not convinced you don't need a rescue team, Captain."

Janeway willed herself to concentrate. "Really, I'll be all right. What brings you here?"

"Two main reasons. One, I am concerned for your well being. And the other is that I am... Lonely."

"All right, then. On the first point, as you can see, I am here, maybe not functioning at peak efficiency, but there's no need to send the cavalry yet."

"Very well," answered Seven, still not convinced.

"As for you, once again, I apologize, Seven. I let you go through an entire relationship without any guidance, even though I should have known you'd need help."

"No need to apologize, Captain. It was not a relationship I should have been in. I know that now," admitted the former drone.

Janeway closed her eyes for a long moment and sighed. She didn't feel up to this conversation or any conversation, but she knew Seven needed it. If she could just stop her head pounding for five minutes.... "Why do you say that, Seven?"

"The commander has an unresolved romantic history," she answered simply.

"I don't see that as being true. Chakotay was available, and you were available, and you chose to spend some time together. Sometimes these things work out and sometimes they don't. I think you know this, Seven," responded Janeway.

Seven frowned. "I am unaccustomed to failing to achieve perfection. I should have known a relationship with Commander Chakotay would not lead to marriage. I should not have pursued it."

The captain stood and made her way to her replicator. As awkward as this conversation was, discussing perfection with Seven was very familiar to Janeway. It energized her a little, and seemed to clear her head. She ordered a black coffee and turned back to the former drone.

"Not every relationship has to lead to marriage, Seven. Sometimes, it's enough to enjoy the journey. Every time you choose to spend time with someone in this way, it's different."

Seven shook her head. "That sounds inefficient."

"But effective. I'm sure you'll see someday," answered Janeway.

Seven stared intently at Janeway. "And when will you do something effective?"

"Pardon?"

"I believe you must begin to get reacquainted with the commander," said Seven. 

Janeway took a long sip of her coffee,"For what purpose?"

"You are soulmates."

The captain nearly spat out her next sip. "What makes you say that?"

"I have reviewed all the data I have collected on your interactions. It is consistent with human courtship rituals. I believe that the only thing that prevented your relationship from moving forward is your positions in the command hierarchy."

"Seven. I want you to know in the interest of full disclosure that I have felt attracted to Chakotay and our friendship is close. Or was close. We haven't seen each other much since we got home. But soulmates - that's a very strong term, and I'm not sure it applies to us. I hope that you didn't end your relationship based on this hypothesis. I have talked to him about your breakup, and he seems a little confused, and he misses you," said Janeway.

Seven frowned at Janeway. "You are doing what you always do. Downplay your needs for the sake of mine or anyone's in your crew. You are causing yourself further damage."

Janeway returned to the sofa, placed down her cup and leaned back with her eyes closed. This conversation was once again draining her energy. "Seven, I am very tired. Can we please not talk about Chakotay for a few minutes?"

Seven observed her former captain and agreed that a change in topic might be a good idea. "Very well. I'd like to thank you for your help with Starfleet. You have been ensuring that they are acting in my best interest."

Janeway opened her eyes, but remained leaning back. "You're welcome. They can be hard to handle. You have to constantly stay on top of them." Her eyes drifted shut again, and she snapped them open. "Damn, I'm so tired. I'm afraid I'm terrible company."

"I should let you rest, Captain. Are you sure you are all right? Do you require medical attention?" asked Seven.

Janeway directed Seven's attention to a cortical monitor that her hair was covering. "I'm already being monitored by Starfleet Medical. Thanks for your concern." She paused for a moment, considering whether or not she wanted to make the effort to see Seven out.

Seven rose. "I'll let myself out, Captain." The captain's eyes closed again, and Seven was unable to discern the mumbled response. She touched her captain's hand and said, "Please take care of yourself." She then turned and left the apartment.


	4. Chapter Three - Downward Spiral

Chapter Three - Downward Spiral

Chakotay's commbadge chirped early Thursday morning, surprising him as he was putting his uniform on. On Earth, most people used the comm stations for the video display. "Chakotay here?"

"Janeway to Chakotay." What the hell? She sounds drugged, he thought. "Not coming in today. I'm delirious. You have the bridge."

"Kathryn?" The next thing he heard was a definitive thump. He immediately slammed his commbadge. "Chakotay to Starfleet Medical. Medical emergency at Captain Janeway's apartment." 

He ran to her place as fast as he could. In seven years, she had never called out of work. He knew he would beat emergency services there. They would have to transport to the station outside the complex and come inside by foot.

"Kathryn!" He stabbed at the door chime and banged on the door, but it was locked. He put in his Voyager override code - it worked. He ran inside and found her out cold on the floor. There was a small gash on her forehead where it had banged against the corner of the dining room table. She had been in the process of zipping her uniform jacket. There was a cortical monitor attached to the other side of her forehead, blinking wildly. He grabbed a cloth napkin from the table and positioned her so that she was lying on her back. Then he held the napkin against her head wound, which fortunately was barely bleeding. With his other hand, he checked her pulse, slow but steady, and she was breathing. Her skin was pale. "Kathryn, wake up!"

A couple of cadets came rushing in. They were medical students from the academy. "Over here!" called out Chakotay.

One cadet scanned Janeway with a tricorder while the other used a dermal regenerator on her forehead. Chakotay brushed a lock of her hair out of her face and stepped back of of the way.

"It's exhaustion," said the cadet with the tricorder.

"Let's bring her in," said the other. "I'll get the stretcher. Commander, can you help get her to the sofa?"

"Isn't there a more discreet way to do this? Half the Voyager crew is staying in this apartment complex. And I'm sure the press has already been notified that medical services have been dispatched here. If you bring her out on a stretcher, they'll have a field day," said Chakotay. He picked up the captain and placed her gently on the sofa. She groaned softly.

"We need special permission to transport patients," said the tricorder cadet.

"Commander Chakotay to Admiral Paris," said Chakotay, tapping his commbadge. He imagined he was giving the admiral a similar shock to how Janeway had contacted him.

"Paris here. Something wrong, Commander?"

"Yes - we need to get Captain Janeway to Medical. She collapsed in her apartment. Permission to transport directly?" asked Chakotay.

"Of course. I'll meet you there. Paris out."

"You heard the man - let's go," said Chakotay to the cadets. Within minutes, they were whisked away by the transporter. They found themselves in the middle of a large medical bay. Chakotay helped the cadets place Janeway on one of the biobeds.

To Chakotay's surprise, the Doctor walked into the room with Admiral Paris. "Doctor?" he asked.

"Lucky for you I'm in town. I've been following the captain's condition and expecting this to happen since Starfleet didn't agree to lighten her schedule," said the Doctor, glaring at Admiral Paris.

Paris looked sheepish. "We talked about it. She wanted to get it over with faster. She thought she could handle it. Hyatt even agreed to it."

"Owen, this ends right now!" called a voice from outside the room. Chakotay instinctively stiffened at the commanding tone of the voice of Kathryn Janeway's mother.

"Now, Gretchen-" 

"It's over. I'm taking her home with me, and this is not open for negotiation," yelled Gretchen, entering the room.

The Doctor interjected, "No fighting in front of my patient! Take this outside."

"She can hear you - she's right here," said a weak, gravelly voice.

"Kathryn!" said Chakotay, surprised at the relief in his own voice. He squeezed her hand and was happy when she squeezed it back.

"She's awake, and her blood pressure is through the roof. Think happy thoughts and no arguing," warned the Doctor.

Gretchen continued to glare at Owen. "Fine," he relented quietly. He would have no choice but to place Kathryn on mandatory leave. He left the room to go make the arrangements.

"Katie, love, stop this insanity and come home," said Gretchen.

"Yes, Mom," she answered, quietly. 

Gretchen looked at Chakotay. "And you - you're coming with us."

"I don't think I can, I mean, I'm sure they're not going to change my schedule, ma'am, um, Mrs. Janeway," stammered Chakotay.

"Nonsense. You need a break, too. And I don't think you have family here to fight for you. Well, let me tell you - I can be pushy for everyone, and I don't mind one bit. This debriefing process is a terrible thing to put heroes through. You are all done, and I will make sure Starfleet accepts that! If they want to know what you did or what you thought, they can read your logs."

"Uhm, yes, ma'am," relented Chakotay. It wasn't much of a fight. One thing he realized when he found Kathryn's crumpled form was that he never wanted to leave her again. He didn't know what the future would hold for them, but he found himself hoping they'd face it together as friends, lovers or whatever the spirits had decided for them. He felt her squeeze his hand one more time before she drifted off again.

***

Kathryn slept for 15 hours before being transferred into Gretchen's care under heavy sedation. Admiral Paris authorized transport for himself, Chakotay, Kathryn and Gretchen directly to Gretchen's home. They materialized in the foyer with Kathryn in Chakotay's arms, and Gretchen led him to Kathryn's room while Admiral Paris waited in the foyer.

Chakotay gently laid his friend onto her bed, and he and Gretchen arranged her so that she would be comfortable.

"Are you all right, Commander?" asked Gretchen.

"Please, call me Chakotay. I'm fine - just remembering. I've had to carry her before, begging her not to die. It wasn't easy then, either. But at least now, we're home," said the officer, turning away from Gretchen so that she wouldn't see the tears that had fallen. He realized now that he had broken his promise to lighten her burden and left her alone while he was flaunting Seven like a piece of arm candy. He felt pathetic. And now, she had collapsed from exhaustion partially because of him.

Gretchen wanted to comfort him. "This is not your fault. She could always have insisted to go on leave. She didn't have to do this to herself."

"I let her, knowing what she would do. I abandoned her after seven years of friendship. We're both to blame," said Chakotay.

"She cares for you. Speaks very well of you. You were never afraid to challenge her. Even Tuvok had a point where he would back down, but never you. She blames you for nothing," said Gretchen. "And I blame that bastard downstairs. He could have ended this weeks ago."

Chakotay shook his head. "There was limited intervention he could perform if she was a willing participant."

Gretchen sighed. "Even after all that's been done to you and being stranded in the Delta Quadrant with no help, you still defend Starfleet?"

Chakotay grinned, "Mrs. Janeway, I tried being a rebel. Look where it got me."

"You must call me Gretchen. And you are a sassy one," she commented. "Allow me to show you to your room. You must be tired as well."

"Quite," he admitted.

"Unacceptable. Follow me," said Gretchen, leading him to another spare bedroom.

***

"You're still here," remarked Gretchen, scowling at Admiral Paris as she returned to the foyer.

"Please don't be angry, Gretchen - you know I'm doing the best I can," said Paris.

Gretchen rolled her eyes. "Owen, fine. Either stay or go home. She won't wake up for hours."

The admiral focused his gaze on the floor. "You know I'm sorry."

"For what?" asked Gretchen, a little less angrily.

"If I had known what was in store for her when she asked me to sponsor her at the academy... Maybe I would have never pushed her towards command. The cadets always thought I was strict. When Katie came to me, I assumed she thought she would use her father to influence me, but she never did. She pushed herself harder than I could have thought to. That's why I thought she was a natural for command. I felt a born leader like her shouldn't be hiding on a science vessel. She doesn't deserve the life she's led. To be kidnapped and tortured, lose the ones she loves, to be lost in space with so many casualties, and now to be home, only to have the organization she put all her faith in question her every move. And I'm right in the middle of it, and I can't stop it for her, for Edward. For you," said Paris.

"This family is strong and ambitious and committed to our goals. We don't need special protection," countered Gretchen.

"No, but Starfleet has its fair share of red tape. Every ship needs shields, Gretchen. I wish I could do more. I had a similar conversation with Katie. Told her I could get her some leave. She said to me, 'I need to answer for what I've done. I have few regrets, but it wasn't easy, and I wasn't a saint.' She told me she'll rest when it's over. I should have remembered she's only human. You tried to remind me, and I brushed it off. One stupid decision that I made here on Earth with all of Starfleet to back me up. Out there, she WAS Starfleet, and every decision fell on her. She made mistakes, lost perspective at times. But the rest of the time, she was the bravest, smartest, most compassionate officer that has ever served. I need to do more. I owe her that."

"Make them see. Through your eyes, through her eyes. Give them the perspective, Owen. There aren't rules for everything and even when it seems there are, they don't always make sense," said Gretchen. "But tread carefully. They know how close you are to this family. Just like Katie never asked for any favors from her father, she'll never ask for them from you, either."

Owen smiled sadly. "She has surpassed me in so many ways. She demoted my son for not following orders, but he still worships the ground that she walks on. I sent a memo to the Voyager crew. I wanted them to know she was ill before whatever the news reported got out."

"What did you tell them? People don't just fall ill this day in age," said Gretchen.

"It was best to tell the truth. She collapsed from exhaustion and will be on hiatus until cleared to return to duty from Starfleet Medical. I didn't tell them where she was staying, but I suspect they may try to contact you here."

Gretchen nodded. "That's fine. I've already gotten some messages for her. So, what'll it be? Are you on your way or should I prepare another guest room?"

"Thanks, but I should go. I'm going to report into work tomorrow and keep an eye on things," said the admiral.

They said their goodbyes, and Admiral Paris was on his way.

***

The next morning, Kathryn awoke around 10am. The drugs were out of her system, but she felt groggy, like everything was in slow motion. She tried to remember what happened, but her memory was fragmented. She vaguely remembered waking a few times in a sickbay, but she had no idea how she got there or how she ended up at her mom's house.

"Katie?" asked Gretchen, a little tentatively.

"I'm awake, Mom," she answered hoarsely as Gretchen entered her line of vision.

"Good morning," smiled Gretchen. She took a seat next to the bed.

Kathryn groaned. "What on earth is so good about it?" she asked.

"You, Katie. I'm glad you're awake," said Gretchen. "How are you feeling?"

Kathryn closed her eyes and reopened them. "Like a hungover targ. Thanks for asking."

"Are you hungry, dear?" asked Gretchen.

Kathryn closed her eyes again as a wave of nausea washed over her. "Noooo." Gretchen placed her hand on her daughter's forehead, bringing back every memory she ever had about being sick in bed as a child. "Oh, Mom."

"Katie, you never run out of ways to scare the life out of me," said Gretchen.

Kathryn's tired eyes locked onto Gretchen's, betraying a range of emotions. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I love you."

"I love you, too, Mom. So much. I thought I'd never see you again, and now I'm home. I feel like hell, but at least I have you," said Kathryn, energy flagging.

"Just go back to sleep. You'll be back on your feet in a few days. Then I'll have to let you go back," said Gretchen.

Kathryn moaned and rolled over onto her side.


	5. Chapter Four - A Romance Rekindled

Chapter Four - A Romance Rekindled

The next day, Kathryn was feeling well enough to get up and about. She took a sonic shower, put on some casual clothes and headed downstairs. She did a double take when she got to the kitchen and saw who was at the table finishing his oatmeal. "Chakotay?"

"Kathryn! Good morning, sleepy head," laughed Chakotay.

She stared at him for another few seconds, which made him laugh harder. "How hard did I hit my head? What are you doing here?"

"I'm just one of the strays your mother brought home. She decided I needed to be rescued from Starfleet, too after I called Medical from your apartment," said Chakotay.

Kathryn raised her hand to her temple. "My apartment? What were you doing there?"

The smile disappeared from his face. "You don't remember, do you?" She shook her head and he continued, "You were confused. You contacted me as if we were still on Voyager. You said you were delirious and then you fell and hit your head on your dining room table. I ran over as fast as I could."

She took a seat at the table. "I thought I heard your voice. I thought I was dreaming. Looks like you saved me again. Funny how I knew I was in trouble, and the person I thought to call was you."

He reached for her hand across the table. "I'm glad I was there," he said. "You know, these past few weeks, I've missed you terribly." She laced his fingers with hers, a recreation of a pose they shared once before, years ago. They were early into their journey then.

"I missed you, too. It's amazing how fast things fell apart without you and Tuvok to handle me. I thought I could do it all on my own."

"And I thought separating from you was best for me. I thought I was getting on with my life. I was wrong," said Chakotay.

Kathryn stared at their hands. "What do we do now?" she asked.

"Well," he said, taking a deep breath, "is there a position open for executive officer of your life? You look like you could use some help, and I wouldn't mind serving under you."

She laughed, "Chakotay!"

He grinned. "It took me two days to come up with that."

Her expression grew serious. "Chakotay. I don't know if this is a good idea. But I don't have the strength to resist it anymore."

He stood and walked around the table without releasing her hand. Then, he gently pulled her into a standing position in his arms. "I've got you, Kathryn."

"You always have," she whispered as he lowered his head to kiss her. Just as she started to deepen the kiss, the kitchen door swung open.

"Oh, dear God in Heaven - this is really happening!" exclaimed Kathryn's very excited sister.

Kathryn and Chakotay jumped apart. "Chakotay, you'll soon learn we had far more privacy in the Delta Quadrant," laughed Kathryn. 

"There is no privacy in Mom's kitchen, Katie," said Phoebe, smiling.

"Well, have a seat. Now that we've had our first kiss so rudely interrupted, we might as well have some coffee," said Kathryn, sitting in a chair and pouring some coffee into a mug from the carafe that was on the table.

Phoebe stared incredulously at Kathryn. "First kiss? Suuuure"

Chakotay laughed, "Busted."

"I knew it! Two months alone on a planet! I knew you were in love!" shouted Phoebe.

"What the-!" yelled Chakotay.

"That was classified!" yelled Kathryn, simultaneously.

"Uh-oh," said Phoebe as two very accomplished and suddenly very dangerous Starfleet officers leveled their gaze at her.

"What have you done?" asked Kathryn.

"I'm sorry. I interrogated someone on your crew," admitted Phoebe. "I was trying to figure out what was wrong with you."

"Who?" asked Chakotay.

But after a minute of thinking about "what would Phoebe do?", Kathryn had figured it out. "Seven," she gasped. Chakotay looked like he was gutted.

"I'm sorry, sis. I did it for you," said Phoebe.

"I can't believe this. We were about to start a relationship based on a manipulation. You are unbelievable, Phoebe." The cortical monitor still on her head chirped.

"Calm down, Kathryn," said Chakotay.

Kathryn sighed, "Dammit - I need to lie down." Chakotay steadied her as she swayed in her chair. 

"Let's get you to the couch," said Chakotay.

"I'm sorry," said Kathryn.

Chakotay shook his head and said, "Shh. That doesn't matter right now. You need rest. We'll work it out later." He pulled her out of her chair and helped her shuffle out into the living room. She rested her head on his shoulder, and the cortical monitor beeped two more times before he could help her lie down.

"Don't go," she pleaded, grabbing at his shirt collar.

"I'll be right here. Don't worry," said Chakotay. She closed her eyes and drifted off.


	6. Chapter Five - Setbacks

Chapter Five - Setbacks

When Chakotay was sure Kathryn was settled, he strode back into the kitchen where Phoebe sat looking stricken.

"I'm sorry, Commander. I'm so sorry," sobbed Phoebe. "I didn't tell her to leave you."

Chakotay wanted to glare at Phoebe. He wanted to be angry. But seeing a Janeway woman in pain was apparently his weakness. His expression softened. "I know you meant well, but you've caused us worlds of trouble. Your sister resisted my charms for seven years for the sake of protocol. What do you think she's going to do if there's even a hint that she's stealing me from Seven? I'm sure your sleuthing has uncovered how close they are." 

"She loves you," said Phoebe.

"It's not enough. She's the human definition of self sacrifice," said Chakotay. "That's why I gave up! That's how this mess started."

"Chakotay, please - don't give up again. You can help her see. Seven sees that you're perfect for each other. I didn't have to convince her of anything. I only had to bring it to her attention. That's all I did - I swear," begged Phoebe.

Chakotay sighed. "I'm not the one who has to be convinced." He paced back and forth a few times. "I'm going to stay with her for a while. When she wakes up, can you please be somewhere else?"

The quiet frustration in the commander's voice cut deeper than any reprimand could have. "I understand," whispered Phoebe.

***

"Counselor Hyatt, thank you for coming. She hasn't left her room for two days. Chakotay is climbing the walls. Phoebe is besides herself," said Gretchen, letting Susan in the front door.

"Let me talk to them first," said Susan, tight lipped. She was hoping they hadn't thrown her patient into a full scale depression. She was half way there to begin with. Gretchen called them each down to the kitchen.

Chakotay and Phoebe entered from opposite rooms and sat quietly at the table. They were done talking to each other. Chakotay was pining for Kathryn and Phoebe was getting annoyed that he wouldn't accept her apologies.

"Gretchen, you come on in as well," said the counselor. "All right, Team Kathryn," she said, emphasizing the word "team." "Talk."

"All right, so it's my fault. But he doesn't have to be such a jerk!" exclaimed Phoebe. "How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?"

"Damn it, Phoebe! It's bad enough that I had one chance for happiness and you ruined it. But if she doesn't recover from this, it's going to kill me," yelled Chakotay.

Phoebe huffed, "I'm fucking sorry! How do you think I feel? She's my sister!" Gretchen stared hard at her after hearing the profanity.

Counselor Hyatt raised her hands and said, "That's enough. You're not helping. Neither of you."

"Fine - what do you want us to do? I've begged her to let me talk to her. She won't see anyone," said Chakotay.

"I'm going to talk to her, but before I do, let me make one thing clear. The three of you have to provide a loving, supportive and united front. Leave the sins of the past in the past," said Hyatt.

"I'll try," sighed Chakotay.

Susan placed her hand on Chakotay's arm. "Commander, when's the last time you saw your counselor?"

"What? I mean, I haven't even thought about that. Kathryn's not well," he answered.

"And you won't be able to help her until you get help for yourself. You can't share command of a stranded starship for seven years and get away unscathed. You were the crew's unofficial counselor. Would you allow someone under your command to remain in this situation?" asked Susan.

He struggled to form an answer. "I guess not."

"While I talk to Kathryn, I want you to contact your counselor. Gretchen and Phoebe. I want you to come up with something to talk to Kathryn about that has nothing to do with Chakotay or Seven or Mark or Justin or Starfleet. After I leave, you need to help keep her distracted and positive. We'll ease into the difficult topics a a piece at a time."

Gretchen nodded. "We'll do our best."

"All right," said the counselor. "Wish me luck."

***

Hyatt knocked on the door to Kathryn's room and waited. "Kathryn?"

Janeway called out, "What do you want?"

"Just to talk," said the counselor.

"Fine." Janeway ordered the door to open for Hyatt.

"Thank you, Kathryn." Susan entered the room to find Janeway laying on the bed with her face down. Janeway turned her face in Hyatt's direction.

"So, talk," ordered the captain.

"Kathryn, how do you feel?"

"Tired," answered the captain.

"What else?"

"You know what else," replied Janeway, testily.

"Talk to me as if I don't," said Hyatt.

"What does it matter?" asked Janeway.

"It matters. It matters to me, to the people who care about you, to your crew, to your friends."

"I no longer have a crew. None of that matters anymore," she said. "Sometimes, I wish we had stayed out there."

Okay - a wish. That's something, thought the counselor. A hint of at least imagining a future. "Kathryn, you're not alone. There's a whole house full of people who want to be here for you. It's time to open that door and let them in."

"I can't. I'm too tired. Don't let them see me like this. And tell Phoebe the ice bucket won't work. I'll just lay here and wait to die from pneumonia," said Kathryn in a monotone.

Hyatt glared firmly at her. "What would you do if I let your mother in, Captain?"

Kathryn allowed a fearful expression to cross her face before she withdrew and answered, "I'm not in the mood for this reverse psychology crap. Do whatever the fuck you want."

"So, I have your permission to ask your mom to come in?" asked Hyatt.

"Fine."

Susan tapped her commbadge to signal to Gretchen that she could enter. She appeared a few minutes later. 

"Katie?" she asked tentatively.

There was no response. Kathryn was pretending to be asleep.

Susan shook her head sadly. "Kathryn, we know you're in there."

"I don't want to talk," said Kathryn.

Gretchen sat next to the bed. "We don't have to talk. We don't have to do anything. Let's just be here with each other."

"If you want to waste your time," said Kathryn.

Gretchen gasped, "It would never be a waste of time, no matter how churlish you are acting."

Susan put a hand on Gretchen's arm as Kathryn rolled over to face away from them. The captain's cortical monitor beeped once. "Stay calm, Kathryn. We don't want to trigger an episode."

"Maybe I'll pass out and die," said Janeway. Gretchen looked heartbroken.

"Don't do this. I love you," said Gretchen.

"Then. Leave. Me. Alone." Susan nodded, and Gretchen left the room.

"Why did you do that, Kathryn?" 

"Too tired."

They were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Who is it?" asked the counselor.

"The Doctor."

"Enter," said Susan. "Good luck, Doctor!" She walked out of the room as the Doctor entered.


	7. Chapter Six - Shenanigans

Chapter Six - Shenanigans 

Phoebe saw a glimpse of the tears in her mother's eyes as she came back into the kitchen. Chakotay was in his room on the comm system with his counselor. Counselor Hyatt was waiting for the Doctor to finish so that she could discuss Kathryn Janeway with him.

"Oh, no - this is ridiculous! I am so tired of this shit!" yelled Phoebe.

Gretchen waved away her concern, "I'm fine. She's not well. The doctors will help us."

"You know what we need, Mom?"

"Dare I ask?" asked Gretchen.

"Happy hour. We're going out!" announced Phoebe.

"Oh, no.."

"You, me, Shenanigans. Chief Pain-in-my-Ass can stay behind and babysit St. Catherine," said Phoebe.

Gretchen looked into her younger daughter's laughing eyes. "Oh, what the hell - I need a drink!"

A few arrangements later, and they were off to the local Irish pub. Phoebe ordered a Guinness for herself and a whiskey for her mother from the handsome Irish bartender, Donovan. There was a group of regulars sitting at the corner of the bar who they knew.

"Gretchen! Phoebe! Haven't seen you ladies in a while!" said Tom, one of the regulars. 

"Hello, Tom! We've been busy. Phoebe has been involved in responsible parenting, and my older daughter is back from space, but she's been ill. I've been taking care of her."

"Well, you need to get out more! Life is not a dress rehearsal, you know!" said Tom with a smile. Gretchen always enjoyed Tom's company. Even at his advanced age, he was always quick with a joke and never failed to make her laugh.

"I've missed you! Tell me, how are your sons?" asked Gretchen.

Tom laughed. "They're adults - I'm not their keeper. When are you going to stop tracking your daughters?"

"Kathryn was missing for seven years, and Phoebe has been my lifeline. I'm never letting them go!"

Several hours, rounds and drinking songs later, an unfamiliar patron walked into the bar.

"Jesus Christ on a cracker," muttered Phoebe.

"What is it?" asked Gretchen.

"The Borg girl!" said Phoebe.

Seven of Nine entered the bar and strode toward the bartender. "Hello. I am looking for the Janeway family. Do you know how I may contact them? I only know that they live in this town."

Phoebe gaped as Donovan pointed towards her and Gretchen. She was still staring in disbelief when Seven arrived in front of them. "Seven. How nice to see you again."

"Captain Janeway is damaged. Is she staying with you?" asked Seven, hopefully.

"Yes, she is, " said Gretchen, the first of the pair to find her voice. "But she is quite ill. We're worried about her."

"I must see her," said Seven.

"Oh, no you don't!" said Phoebe, slurring the words. "We came here to get our minds off of Katie. It's time to drink!"

"But that is a waste of time," argued Seven.

Tom, watching their exchange, laughed, "Drinking is never a waste of time! What are you drinking, young lady?"

"I do not engage in frivolous activity," said Seven.

"And I do not take 'no' for an answer," said Tom.

"Fine. I will partake in champaign," said Seven, choosing a drink she had sampled at gatherings on Voyager.

"One champaign for the lady!" ordered Tom.

Several campaigns later, the regulars at Shenanigans realized they had a pretty lady with perfect pitch to lead their Irish drinking songs. The Janeway ladies took Seven in as one of their own.

"I never realized alcohol could be so delightful!" exclaimed Seven.

"Our work here is done!" laughed Phoebe.


	8. Chapter Seven - Space Coaster

Chapter Seven - Space Coaster

Chakotay had to admit that after a counseling session, a vision quest and some time away from Kathryn's infuriating sister, he was feeling much calmer. He decided to try talking to Kathryn one more time before going to bed. The ladies had been out for several hours, and he knew he wanted to be in bed before they got home. He knocked on her bedroom door.

"Kathryn, please?"

"Okay, fine - come in," said Kathryn, her tone resigned.

Chakotay walked in and found Kathryn wrapped in a blanket in a chair looking out the window. It had been snowing, and the yard was covered in several feet of untouched snow.

"Hi, there," said Chakotay. When she didn't answer, he continued, "Kathryn... I just want you to know that Seven left me, and I am single, and I freely choose you if you'll have me. And I'll wait as long as it takes for you to get past this. I'm not going anywhere. Seven is a great woman, and we had fun for a while, but it was a mistake. You are the one I've always wanted. Even if the time for us never happens, I'll always love you. Please don't be sad about me, Kathryn. I can't stand to add to your burdens." He sat in the chair opposite hers and gazed out on the beautiful scene.

After several minutes of silence, Kathryn answered, "I love you, too, Chakotay. And on a rational level, I understand the situation, but you have to understand that when this happens to me, I'm not rational. I get trapped in my mind. I put so much into being the captain that I didn't even imagine what being home would be like. Now here we are, and I'm completely unprepared. I'm scared. Terrified."

"I can't pretend to understand exactly how you feel, but I want to be there for you. As someone you can always trust. I've seen you in these moods before, and you always come out of it stronger than before," said Chakotay.

"I don't know how. I can't see the path," she mused.

"One step at a time. You didn't have a plan when we landed in the Delta Quadrant, either."

She looked up at him. "By the time I had a moment to think about it, I had a crystal clear image in my mind. Who I was supposed to be. What my purpose was. I took that and flew at warp nine as far as that would take me."

"You'll find it again, Kathryn. I know you will," said Chakotay. He was staking his sanity on it.

***

Seven woke in an unfamiliar room with a splitting headache and some song about a cottage next door in her head. She sat up slowly and noticed a hypospray on the table at the other side of her room. She walked over and read the padd next to it. "Fun night? This will help you." It was signed "The Doctor."

She placed the hypospray to her neck and immediately felt better. Then she remembered her mission. To find Captain Janeway.

"Computer, what is this location?" asked Seven.

"Guest room 3," said the computer.

Impatiently, Seven ordered, "Of whose home?"

The computer quickly replied, "This house, lot 34532 belongs to Gretchen Janeway."

"She must be here," muttered Seven. "Computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"That information is classified."

There was a knock on the door. "Enter," said Seven.

"Miss Seven - good morning," said Gretchen. Seven wondered why she looked so cheerful.

"Good morning, Mrs. Janeway," said Seven. "May I see your daughter?"

"Yes - but not until later. She is resting," said Gretchen.

"Very well," said Seven.

Gretchen looked Seven over. She definitely understood that Seven had some attractive attributes, but other than that, she wondered what Chakotay saw in the almost mechanical woman. She realized that her opinion was colored by what she wanted for Kathryn. "Miss Seven, as a friend of Kathryn's, you are welcome to stay here as long as you'd like."

Seven nodded. "Thank you, Mrs. Janeway. That is most kind. You may address me as Seven."

"In that case, please call me Gretchen," said the older woman. Seven was impressed at the quiet strength she exuded. It was clear to Seven that many of the captain's leadership qualities were inherited from Gretchen rather than acquired at the academy.

"Gretchen," said Seven, testing the name on her tongue. "I was fortunate to find you last night. I have been looking for Captain Janeway. I am concerned about her health."

Gretchen nodded sadly, "You were right to be concerned. She is very ill. Today has been a good day, though. I guess my stepping away for a few hours helped."

Seven looked at her thoughtfully. "Sometimes, it is... difficult to express your gratitude for your mother. I would imagine this would be worse if you are a proud starship captain."

"Yes, I can imagine. Well, feel free to join us for breakfast," said Gretchen.

***

"Seven, I'm glad to see you. I just wish that it was under better circumstances," said Kathryn. She had agreed to see Seven that afternoon. 

Seven took in her former captain's appearance as she stood leaning a bit heavily on the back of a chair. Her movements were slow and lethargic. She looked like she had lost weight since they last saw each other just a week and a half ago. "I am glad you are getting treatment, Captain."

"We're in my childhood home. Please, call me Kathryn."

Seven paused. She wanted to ask a question, but wasn't sure if it was appropriate.

"Seven? Is there something you want to talk about?" asked Kathryn.

Seven of Nine suddenly felt ashamed. Captain Janeway was still ready to drop everything to help her even in the midst of her own inner turmoil. "Kathryn," she said, trying out the word. It didn't seem right. "What is the nature of your ailment?"

Kathryn smiled sadly. "I struggle to understand it myself. Apparently, it's a delightful combination of post traumatic stress disorder, depression and working myself to the point of exhaustion. Catches up with you after a while. The Doctor and my counselor enjoy daily debates about it. What it all comes down to is that I sleep a lot and tire easily."

Seven wasn't sure how to respond. It seemed impossible that her human role model was susceptible to mental illness. "What is the treatment?"

"Some medication, a lot of therapy and the company of friends and family. And time, I guess," shrugged Janeway. "Not exactly what I thought coming home would be."

"How can I assist you?" asked Seven.

Janeway was thoughtful for a moment before answering, "Stay for a while, Seven. I'm glad that you found me, and it makes me happy for you to be getting along so well with my family. I understand you found the local tavern with Mom."

"That was quite... interesting," said Seven.

"You mean fun," said Kathryn with a glimpse of a twinkle in her eye.

"Yes, fun," agreed Seven with a chuckle.

Kathryn paused to take a deep breath. "Seven. There is something rather serious I need to discuss with you." She moved to sit in the chair. "About my sister."

Seven groaned inwardly. One of the more memorable drunken moments from last night was Phoebe breaking down into tears and assorted histrionics about how sorry she was that she confronted Seven. Seven didn't understand the problem. Phoebe helped correct a misunderstanding that would have been a barrier between Seven and Kathryn for the rest of their lives. "I was pleased to meet your sister," said Seven.

"Really?" asked Kathryn, skeptically.

"She helped me understand human relationships. They are not always what they appear," said Seven.

Kathryn shook her head in disbelief. "I'm afraid she coerced you."

"Then you underestimate my intelligence." Seven moved to stand directly in front of Kathryn's chair. "Kathryn, I want you to understand this clearly. Chakotay is a wonderful man. But he is your man. I realized this on my own with only a little help from Phoebe. My only desire is for the two of you to be happy. I need to find out who I am as an individual on Earth before I get involved with a man."

"And the student becomes the teacher," smirked Kathryn.

"I have much to learn from you still," said Seven.

Kathryn yawned loudly. The conversation had done her in. "I'm sorry. Looks like I need a nap."

"I will allow you to rest, Kathryn. Thank you for talking to me," said Seven. She helped Kathryn to her bed and left once she was settled.

***

A few days later, Gretchen was enjoying the scene that was playing out in her living room. Phoebe had just come back from putting her girls to bed and was entertaining Chakotay and Chris with stories about her and Kathryn's childhood. Since Kathryn had started spending more time outside of her room, Gretchen had encouraged Phoebe and Chris to stay over with the kids, who were very much enjoying slumber parties at Grandma's and spending time with Aunt Kathryn, "Uncle" Chakotay, and "Aunt" Seven.

Gretchen watched as Chakotay and Kathryn spent most of the past few hours having wordless conversations. Kathryn simply had to look at the quilt hanging on the back of the chair for Chakotay to get it and place it on her lap. As Kathryn grew more tired, a glance in Chakotay's direction told him she still wanted to try to stay awake for just a bit longer. Finally, he put his arm around her, and she realized that she was wiped out. She rested her head against his shoulder. The two weren't quite calling themselves a couple, but they were growing closer by the day, it seemed.

Gretchen cast her gaze on Seven who was sitting in the arm chair across from the sofa near the window. Not quite getting the concept of relaxing by the fireplace, she sat at the edge of the seat with her back straight. Despite her stiff position, she had a smile on her face as she stole glances at her ex-boyfriend and her former captain. There was no hint of jealousy at all - in contrast she seemed relieved they were getting along so well. Seven kept interrupting Phoebe's stories with what seemed like inane questions if one forgot that Seven essentially had no childhood. She seemed practically surprised to hear that Kathryn was not born a perfect starship captain. Her questions left Phoebe, Chakotay and Chris rolling in laughter.

Chakotay realized Kathryn was asleep when he felt her head drop heavily onto his chest. He wrapped his arms protectively around her and shifted into a position he thought would be more comfortable for her. He looked up and caught Gretchen staring. "A credit for your thoughts?" he asked.

Gretchen smiled and said, "I'm just so grateful that you were out there helping her, Chakotay. It's obvious you were good friends."

Chakotay looked down at her sleeping form. Even in sleep, she didn't seem at peace. It was as if she had simply collapsed in the midst of an internal struggle. "Best friends. The first woman I ever called my best friend. We really learned to understand each other. That was amazing and terrifying all at the same time."

"Didn't you get lonely - all those years stuck on the same starship?" asked Chris as Phoebe swatted at him.

Chakotay nodded. "Oh, yes, and I had my share of adventures in that department, and she did, too. But I always regretted it. And I felt so guilty about that I avoided Kathryn at times, but that only ever made things worse. We never made any promises to each other, but it never felt right."

Chris noticed Seven fidget uncomfortably out of the corner of his eye. "Oh, crap, Seven! Sorry - that's a stupid thing to talk about."

"It is not stupid," said Seven. "I was unaware of the complex nature of their relationship. I still have much to learn about romance."

"Seven, it wasn't your fault. I was the fool," said Chakotay. "I should have realized when no one else from the crew would have anything to do with me except for you. They all thought I was taken. When they saw me with you, they were furious with me. All except Kathryn. She tried to put on a front that she was happy for us. Gods, I should have known it was an act!"

"I also misread the captain," said Seven quietly. With the amount of time I spent with her, I should know her better."

Gretchen looked at them both. "You both also know she's quite an actress when she wants to be. Showing vulnerability is not something she's good at. Not being able to stay awake past six thirty must be killing her."

"Still, I feel responsible," said Chakotay.

"As do I," added Seven.

"No!" gasped Kathryn suddenly. She thrashed against Chakotay's side. "Stop or I'll shoot!"

Chakotay tried to calm her as the cortical monitor beeped in warning. "Kathryn, it's only a dream."

"No! Get off my bridge!" she argued with her invisible foe. "Security!"

Gretchen walked over to the sofa and took Kathryn by the shoulders. "Wake up!"

Kathryn's eyes shot open, but didn't seem to focus on anything. Finally, she woke in a panic. "Chakotay!" Her heart was racing, and she was covered in sweat. Chakotay hugged her close to him.

"Oh, Katie," sighed Gretchen. "How is she getting any rest at all like this?"

"Where are we, Chakotay?" asked Kathryn, fearfully.

"Kathryn, we're home. At your mother's," said Chakotay with growing concern.

She shook her head. "No, that can't be. We're in the Delta Quadrant trying to get home. It's my fault," she argued.

Phoebe's jaw dropped. "Is she still dreaming?"

"Phoebe, call the Doctor," said Chakotay.

Kathryn shook her head. "No - I'm fine now - I don't need a doctor." Phoebe ignored her sister and rushed to the terminal.

"Kathryn - it's just a precaution," said Chakotay. The Doctor appeared in response to the cortical monitor before Phoebe could finish making the connection to him. Chakotay reluctantly separated from Kathryn so that she could be examined. She clutched his arm so tightly, her knuckles were white.

"I suppose it was a dream, but it felt so real," said Kathryn. As she tried to catch her breath, Chakotay explained her mutterings and how confused she was when she woke up.

"Interesting. You thought you were in the Delta Quadrant?" asked the Doctor.

"Yes, but only for a minute. It was like I was in a fog, and it just cleared," said Kathryn. Phoebe went over to Gretchen who looked terrified.

"Well, the good news is that it was just a very vivid dream. I see nothing on these readings to be concerned about," said the Doctor.

Kathryn leaned back on the sofa and closed her eyes. "That's good, anyway. Doctor, how long before I can live like a normal person again?"

"We really don't know, Captain. Your mind is processing seven years of repressed trauma," said the Doctor. "I could give you a sedative to decrease the amount of dreaming, but then your mind won't be working through these issues."

"No sedatives! They make me nauseous," said Kathryn. "Chakotay?" she called out weakly.

"I'm here, my love," he answered softly.

"Help me - I want to go to bed," she said. He nodded and though he wanted to carry her, he helped her stand instead.


	9. Chapter Eight - Medical Mystery

Chapter Eight - Medical Mystery

"It just doesn't make sense," said Counselor Hyatt waving the padd where she had entered Captain Janeway's symptoms. It was her morning meeting with the Doctor in one of the unoccupied offices in Gretchen's house. "The psychological stressors would not normally cause such an strong response over such a long period of time. It doesn't line up with either of her prior episodes. And it definitely shouldn't be increasing in intensity when she's following the therapy regimen perfectly. Both previous episodes resolved with outside stimulus only - no treatment." The episodes she was referring to were the depressions Janeway had fallen into into first when her father and Justin died and then again when Voyager was traveling through a starless void.

"I know what you mean. It seems strange that she's not responding to medication or counseling," agreed the Doctor. "But I've checked for everything from head injury to alien implants to illnesses, and I don't see any other triggers."

There was a knock on the door. "What is it? We're in a meeting," called out Counselor Hyatt.

"It is Seven. May I enter?"

"Sure, okay. What is it?" Asked the Doctor.

Seven strode in and said, "With my enhanced hearing, I overheard you talking about trying to find another cause for Captain Janeway's illness. I am in agreement. The current hypothesis is flawed."

Hyatt sputtered, but the Doctor put his hand on her arm. "She can hear us all over the house anyway. She might as well help," he said.

"How?" asked Seven.

"You're here all the time, even when we're not. Take note of who she interacts with, what they do, where they go, what they talk about. Maybe you'll see something I'm not," said the Doctor. Seven nodded and handed the Doctor a padd.

"I have already been logging my interactions with her. It seems that she gains strength in solitude and integrations with others, both positive and negative, take it away," said Seven.

"That is a change in her personality," said Hyatt. "She's typically not an introvert."

The Doctor chimed in, "I think it's a coping mechanism to compensate for her new deficiencies." He was thoughtful for a moment. "What do you think of the Chakotay factor?"

"Pardon?" asked Hyatt.

"Normally, I'd say a love affair is the best thing for Kathryn Janeway. But the chemical imbalances are skewing all of our data and must not feel all that great for her, either," said the Doctor, clarifying his concern. "We may have to consider removing Chakotay from the equation so that we can get a better idea of what the problem really is."

Hyatt shook her head. "She's already dependent on him. If we break them up, it could take weeks for her to get through the separation, even if it's on good terms."

The Doctor grunted, "You're probably right."

"I concur," said Seven, "I have observed that she will let Chakotay get involved in aspects of her care that she does not allow her mother to get involved in."

Counselor Hyatt nodded. "That makes sense - she sees her mother as a civilian who needs to be shielded from the truth at times."

"All right - let's keep observing and we'll reconvene tomorrow," said the Doctor.

***

"Chakotay, what is it?" asked Gretchen, concerned. She had insisted that he come out of Kathryn's room and eat something after he had locked himself in for over 24 hours. They were in the kitchen while the Doctor and Seven were with Kathryn.

"She won't wake up. She just sleeps and sometimes cries in her sleep."

"It's that bad?" gasped Gretchen. He had refused to let her see Kathryn. Now she saw why.

Chakotay nodded slowly. "I'm afraid so. The Doctor still can't figure it out." He played with his spoon in his soup, but couldn't bring himself to eat. "I'm sorry, Gretchen - I don't think I can eat this."

When he looked up, she was standing, looking out the window. She looked so much like Kathryn in that moment that he could feel his heart breaking. She turned around when he sobbed loudly. "Oh, Chakotay," she cried. She went to the table and wrapped her arms around him, holding him to her and sobbing with him.

"If I had known it would be like this, I'd have kept us in space," snarled Chakotay. "I can't protect her from this. I'm no good to her. I'm not good enough."

"No, that's not true. I can't think of anyone better for her," sobbed Gretchen.

They were still crying when Phoebe walked into the kitchen. "Oh my God - what is going on?"

Gretchen broke away from Chakotay and pulled her younger daughter close to her. "It's not good, Phoebe. She's not responding to any treatment. The Doctor doesn't know what to do."

"Oh my God - what do we do?" asked Phoebe.

"Pray," whispered Gretchen.

***

"Mom," called out Kathryn weakly.

"Katie!" answered Gretchen, surprised. It was the first time she was awake in almost a day.

"Listen to me. Don't call the Doctor," gasped Kathryn.

"What?" started Gretchen, but something about her daughter's expression made her comply.

"I don't know what or how, but something is going to happen. Don't interfere."

"You must be dreaming, dear," said Gretchen.

"No. Don't interfere. The Vulcans. Promise you won't try to stop it."

Gretchen held Kathryn's hand as she said, "I won't. Stay with me, Katie. Don't go away."

"I'm here," she said. But then she seemed to be talking to someone else when she said, "No - let her come - she won't understand. She's been through enough. Please. Please - I want my mother."

"Katie - I'm here. Right here," said Gretchen.

"Thank you," Gretchen heard Kathryn say as she felt a transporter beam grab her.

Gretchen screamed and seconds later, Chakotay ran into the room to find it empty. "Gretchen? Kathryn? Noooooo!"


	10. Chapter Nine - Fal-tor-voh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit of a naughty chapter because I wanted to write it, and I don't believe people have filters in the midst of Vulcan mind procedures. Apologies if you're the sort that might be offended.

Chapter Nine - Fal-tor-voh 

When Gretchen next opened her eyes, she found herself face to face with Tuvok who was standing a few feet away in a room that looked like some kind of waiting room. Kathryn was nowhere to be found. 

"Gretchen," started Tuvok, "it is good to see you again."

"Where are we?" she asked.

"We are on Vulcan. My Fal-tor-voh treatment affected Captain Janeway due to the link we once shared when I melded with her. She is now being treated by our best doctors," said Tuvok. "I am sorry for any inconvenience this has caused."

"Inconvenience? This damn near killed her!" yelled Gretchen.

Tuvok's expression was as apologetic as a Vuclan's temperament would allow. "I was unaware of how severe the illness was. I would never hurt her intentionally. She is one of my closest friends."

Her glare slowly mellowed into a frown, "I know that, Tuvok. Am I correct in assuming your treatment was otherwise successful?"

"Indeed. My illness is now cured. Captain Janeway is also expected to fully recover," said Tuvok as Gretchen heaved a sigh of relief.

"Only my daughter could negotiate the terms of her kidnapping while being killed by the cure for a Vulcan disease," laughed Gretchen.

"It was her desire for you to come so that we could explain the situation to you. She felt you would have suffered if you did not know what was happening," explained Tuvok.

"Can I contact home now? Chakotay and Seven are probably launching a full scale investigation as we speak," said Gretchen.

Tuvok nodded. "That may be prudent."

***

Kathryn was in the middle of what she could at best describe as an extremely vivid dream. But it was really more like revisiting a memory in crystal clear detail. She could actually smell his aftershave, feel his hands caress her body. Her ready room desk was beneath her as he thrust into her. She estimated that it was some time in the sixth year of the journey - after she had stopped fooling herself that the Michael Sullivan hologram was a suitable substitute for male companionship. Her only regret was that she still could not call it a relationship. After a while, Chakotay wanted more from her and had to move on. Truth is, she wanted more, too, but she stubbornly stuck to her guns, insisting that as captain, she was unable to have a relationship with him. But at least she had this memory of what it was like to pretend. This damn good, wonderful memory. But there was a voice in the distance trying to get her attention. She ignored it, wishing to hold onto this moment a little longer. She heard herself encourage Chakotay to go faster and deeper as she let out a moan.

"Captain," said the voice, not Chakotay's. A quiet but firmly insistent male voice. She pushed it aside.

"Captain." A little louder this time. She refused to acknowledge it. She was close, so close. The thrill of having sex in her ready room while on duty was adding to her excitement. The guilt she had felt afterwards at her lapse in protocol had been intense, but she pushed that thought aside.

"Kathryn!" yelled the voice.

Oh, fuck, it's Tuvok. She jumped out of the memory. "Oh, God, was that necessary?" she asked.

"You were getting distracted," said Tuvok.

Kathryn smirked, "You have a funny definition of the word, 'distracted.'"

"Captain - it is time for you to begin the ascent into consciousness."

"Leave me alone, Tuvok," she complained.

"Allow me to guide you," insisted the vulcan. The scene changed to a place where all she could see was darkness except for Tuvok.

Tuvok softened his tone. "Kathryn - I am only trying to help you. Without a mentor to guide you, you can get trapped in these memories forever. Reliving your favorite memories and second guessing all of your decisions. This is all in the past now. You have to come back to the present."

"What difference does it make how long we stay here? There's so much I can figure out. Why did I destroy the array? Would I do that again given the same circumstances? Do I love Chakotay? Did I really love Mark?" asked Kathryn.

Tuvok gave her an intense stare. "The longer you stay here, the longer you will remain unconscious in the present. Your friends and family are worried about you."

"How about you? Where are you while we're here?" she asked.

"I am able to work with you while being awake in the present. I am reassuring your family that you will wake soon."

Kathryn huffed. "For once, can't I do something for me?"

"If you'd like, I'll tell them you'd rather stay unconscious," said Tuvok.

She sighed. "Damn it, Tuvok - you know I can't have you do that."

"Then wake up."

"Damn..."

"Now, Kathryn. Everyone's waiting," urged Tuvok.

All at a once, Kathryn expelled a breath, shot upright and opened her eyes.

"Kathryn!" called out, Chakotay, his voice full of emotion.

Kathryn looked around the room, trying to get acclimated. "How long?" She asked.

"Fourteen hours," said Chakotay.

She moaned quietly, trying to clear her head. "I'm sorry."

"Kathryn - if you come through this okay, I'll take a few hours of your being under the weather," said Chakotay.

"You're kind - thank you," she said appreciatively. She looked up at Tuvok.

The Vulcan nodded. "Very good, Kathryn," he said simply. She expelled the breath she didn't realize she was holding. Her vision came into focus. Besides Chakotay, her mother and Phoebe were with her.

"How do you feel, Katie?" asked Gretchen. She had been holding the hand not claimed by Chakotay.

"Much better," said Kathryn. The malaise that had been her constant companion for weeks had lifted. She still felt tired, but it felt like a good night's sleep was all she would need. The details of her Vulcan experience were already starting to fade from her memory. "Thank you, Tuvok."

"I apologize for the inconvenience, Captain," said Tuvok. "Your experience of sharing my illness due to our meld is a rare side effect of the treatment I received.

"Tuvok," she said, smiling weakly, "Next time you want to share an experience with me, try something that doesn't feel like being struck by the Delta Flyer at warp 7."

"Noted, Captain," said Tuvok as Janeway yawned. "You should sleep now. You are likely to require several uninterrupted hours."

Phoebe chuckled as her sister was unable to form an intelligible reply since she was already asleep.


	11. Epilogue

Epilogue 

Two months later, Captain Janeway's leave came to an end as she snapped her fourth pip into place on her collar. Unaccustomed to the current style of the uniform, she peered at her reflection in the mirror.

The Vulcan procedure that had caused her inability to continue her debriefings did cause one effect that worked to her advantage. When Tuvok melded with her, he gained her memories and insights on everything that had happened over their seven years in the Delta Quadrant. The brass at Starfleet allowed Tuvok to represent both her and himself as they questioned Voyager's leaders' actions during that time. And with both Tuvok and Janeway's testimony available, they deemed it unnecessary to include Chakotay. Starfleet decided it would be far more beneficial to allow Voyager's captain and first officer to extend their leave so that they could rest and continue their counseling. The debriefings ended with 47 official reprimands, 102 commendations and no formal charges against Captain Janeway, a total of 457 commendations for individual members of the crew other than its captain, official pardons for Equinox crew members, and the Maqui crew would be allowed to retain their field commissions.

"Kathryn, have you seen my commbadge?" asked Chakotay from the living room. They had moved back into her San Francisco apartment. Tuvok had moved into Chakotay's, and Seven moved back into her own place. Seven's return had taken place a month early so that she could take an accelerated academy class that would allow her to return to Starfleet as an ensign. She had passed with flying colors.

"You left it in the bathroom," she called out. He then entered the bedroom, walked over to the bathroom and looked inside. "Did you find it?"

He walked out smiling and approached her for a kiss as he adjusted the badge on his chest. "Got it. You're right as usual."

She grinned, enjoying how domestic the moment was. "Always, mister!" Today they were to report to headquarters and get their assignments. They had both decided not to accept shipboard assignments so that they could spend more time with Kathryn's family and plan their wedding.

"Are you nervous?" asked Chakotay.

"Excited," said Janeway. "I'm ready for this." He nodded in agreement. They were finally home in every way that mattered.

Meanwhile, at headquarters, Admiral Paris was already in his office waiting for Voyager's captain and first officer to arrive. He was so proud of them both and couldn't wait to announce their promotions and assignments. Admiral Janeway was to report to her new office at headquarters. She would be assisting Admiral Paris' team while he mentors her as a new admiral. After a year, she would start to get her own team with her own assignments. Captain Chakotay was to be assigned a temporary office in headquarters. He would be offered the opportunity to teach a few academy classes, but there was always a possibility that he could be chosen to captain a ship during short missions. Paris was pleased - he was fairly convinced both would be happy with their assignments.

The end.

**Author's Note:**

> I struggled with this story for a while because I soon noticed that Janeway is out of commission for most of it. But then I realized that this story is more about the other characters than it is about Janeway, particularly Phoebe, Gretchen, Seven and Chakotay, who are all deeply affected in their own way by Kathryn's illness.


End file.
